What to See This Weekend

Lots of cuties, but let's face it, no one looks sexy
in WWII uniforms!

Red Tails: The true story of the Tuskegee Airmen comes to the big screen in this film produced by George Lucas and starring Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding Jr., Tristan Wilds, Nate Parker, David Oyelowo, and Michael B. Jordan.

Haywire: Mixed Martial Artist Gina Carano makes her debut in this action pic that shows that girls can kick ass. Lots of ass.

Underworld: Awakening: If you like your female ass kickers with a splash of the supernatural, see Kate Beckinsdale in the latest in the Underworld movie. This time humans know all about the vampire-werewolf war. It’s also the first in the Underworld saga available in 3-D.

The Movie Graveyard



January: Where bad movies go to die.

 January. Where bad movies go to be released.

Producers save the blockbusters for summer (actually, they start now in the spring). Adult movies primed for awards season come out in the fall. Of course, a lot of the big family films and a few big movies are held over for the holiday.

But January? January is reserved for the movies no one really wants to see. When I was writing movie reviews for my old site, I looked to January with a mix of dread and anticipation. I dreaded the litany of bad movies I would inevitably sit through, but I enjoyed writing reviews for really crappy movies (I know that's a little sadistic but it is what it is).

So what do we have to look forward to this January?

The Devil Inside: (January 6) Just when you've thought we've seen every angle on exorcisms, here comes another one.Twenty years after her mother brutally slaughtered three people, her daughter wants to know if her mother is criminally insane or demonical possessed? Expect lots of creepy priests and painfully twisted torsos because you know demons love to contort bodies. Oh, and they want  you to believe this is based on a true story. It isn't.

Joyful Noise: (January 13) Queen Latifah has her hits and her misses and I think you know which one I think this is. It co-stars Dolly Parton. Has she been in a decent movie since 9-5 thirty years ago? Anyway, this one is all about the singing (or should I say the sangin'). It even says so on the poster! Of course, it's all about winning the national choir competition. Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton are at odds over which direction the choir should take. Complicating matters is their offspring who have sparks of a different kind going on between them.

Contraband: (January 13) Mark Wahlberg thought he left his criminal past behind him but his brother-in-law is pulling him back in for one final run!

Red Tails: (January 20) It's the story of the Tuskeegee Airman featuring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Terrence Howard. The January release date worries me ... it really worries me.

The Grey: (January 27) A plane crashes in the Alaskan wilderness. Man against man. Man against nature. Man against wolves. Hopefully, man doesn't eat man.That's just gross.

Man on a Ledge: (January 27) It's about a man on a ledge.

One for the Money: (January 27) Katherine Heigl plays a cute lingerie saleswoman turned bail bondsman who has to bring in the one who broke her heart. (roll eyes)

Fall Movies I Want to See!

Okay, this holiday weekend, I probably won’t be at the movies. However, take a look at my Must See Movies for the fall. These are the ones I plan on seeing and, of course, reviewing.

Contagion (PG-13) A highly contagious virus kills off millions in a matter of weeks. How do they stop it??? Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law and Kate Winslet star. (September 9)

Moneyball (not rated, probably pg-13) It’s a testament to the power of Brad Pitt that I am willing to sit through a baseball movie. He plays Billy Beane, who helped rejuvenate the Oakland A’s in the early part of the last decade. Also starring Jonah Hill, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Wright (formerly Penn). (September 23)

The Ides of March (not yet rated): Politically, I’m an independent. However, if George Clooney were running for office, he’d get my vote no matter the party: Republican, Democrat, Independent, Green or Ferrets for Freedom! Ryan Gosling is the right hand man supporting the Democratic presidential nominee Mike Morris (Clooney) who learns a secret who could cost his man the election. (October 7)

Like Crazy: (PG-13) Can long distance love survive over the span of years and continents? Like Crazy won the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance. So I guess I’ll see it. Stars Anton Yelchin and Felicity Jones. (October 28)

Tower Heist: (not yet rated) Eddie Murphy is back. After the staff at New York City’s swankiest apartment building lose their pensions to a Bernie Madoff-like character (Alan Alda), they enlist the help of a thief (Murphy) to get it back. Also starring Ben Stiller, Matthew Broderick, Casey Affleck and Gabourey Sidibe. (November 4)

J. Edgar: (not yet rated) Clint Eastwood directs and Leonardo DiCaprio stars as the cross-dressing FBI director who presided over the agency for half a century and became one of the most powerful men in the country. (November 9)

Jack and Jill (PG): Adam Sandler plays twins Jack and Jill. Jill comes to visit her brother for Thanksgiving and refuses to leave. Katie Holmes plays Jack’s wife. (November 11)

The Descendants (R): I hated the movie Sideways and director Alexander Payne is back again with Descendants. George Clooney stars as a man who finds out that his comatose wife was having an affair (I’m assuming she had the affair before the coma) and tries to reconnect with his two estranged daugthers. (November 23).

The Muppets (not yet rated): I normally don’t do kids’ movies but this is The Muppets. Jason Segel and Amy Adams star. (Nov 23)

The Iron Lady (not yet rated): Meryl Streep plays former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. I smell an Oscar nom! (Dec 16)

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (not yet rated): Guy Ritchie is back with the hyped-up action version of the cerebral Sherlock Holmes. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law star. (Dec 16)

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (not yet rated): Okay, I haven’t read the book. It’s rare that I ever read the book. But apparently, it’s very good and a lot of people can’t wait to see the movie about a journalist who enlists the help of a computer hacker to solve a mystery. According to Entertainment Weekly, it “promises to be violent and creepy” – that alone is enough to pique my interest. (December 21)

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (not yet rated): Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt is tracking down the culprits in the bombing of the Kremlin. Paula Patton and Jeremy Renner co-star. (December 21)

Carnage (not yet rated) – Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly face off against Kate Winslet and Chrstoph Waltz as parents who try to get along after there grade school sons get into a fight at school.

I Told Ya!

So I stopped by Rotten Tomatoes to check out my theory about January releases. Here are the ratings of some of the 'major' January releases so far (the higher the percentage, the better). I've also included some of the more colorful excerpts from the reviews.

Season of the Witch (Nicholas Cage) 4%
"Season of the Witch is as bloodless as a starved vampire. Instead of a review, it deserves a stake in the heart."
Pete Travers, Rolling Stone

"It's The Seventh Seal meets Get Him to the Greek meets Lord of the Rings as if filtered through Uwe Boll's hack-tastic brain. "
Jen Yamato, Movies.com

"Did they really say "I've saved your ass" in medieval Europe?"
Allan Hunter, Daily Express

The Green Hornet (Seth Rogen) 44%
"At least Seth Rogen has the good sense to wear a mask for much of The Green Hornet. If I'd made this movie, I'd want to hide my face too."
Kevin Williamson, Jam Movies

"A big, sloppy, loud, grating mess of a movie."
Adam Graham, Detroit News

"Here's a 3-D movie that should have been shot in Zero-D."
Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

The best part about reviewing bad movies is writing the reviews. It's actually fun ... which kind of makes up for the pain of having to sit through two hours of horrific drivel in the first place.

So tomorrow, I will be seeing The Dilemma with Vince Vaughn, Kevin James and Winona Ryder. Right now, it's at 24% on Rotten Tomatoes. With any luck, I'll be adding my (hopefully) witty two cents to such rave reviews as...

"This isn't a date movie... unless it's a blind date that you realized you didn't like during dinner and want to ensure there will be no second date."
Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures

"A very poor effort from a talented group of people, this is a terrible movie wrapped in a glossy package."
Leremy Legel, Film.com

Come back tomorrow and see what I thought about The Dilemma.

You've Been Warned!

Two kinds of movies are released in January. The good ones came out in limited release in December, in time for awards consideration and the rest, well, … they suck. On the slate for January: The Dilemma or Season of the Witch or The Green Hornet, but trust me, after reviewing movies for half a decade, January is where bad movies go to die.
On the bright side, I get to write some scathing reviews, which is always fun. But for you, my budget-conscience movie-goer, this is a great month to see what you missed at the $2.00 movie (if you are fortunate enough to have one. Otherwise, Red Box it, Netflix it or, if you’re old school, pick something up at Blockbuster.

If you absolutely must see a January release do it at an early matinee. You can thank me for it later. ;)

Having read my warning … are there any movies you want to take a risk on coming out this month?

Get Your Turkey Fix ... Then See a Flick!

If you are like me, you like a little movie along with your turkey and stuffing. While the boys settle down for an evening of football, me and the girlfriends often choose to spend our turkey-induced tryptophan haze in a darkened theatre. This year, five movies are being released for the long-weekend and there is a little something for everyone.

Burlesque
If you think that the one thing missing from a big boisterous musical is the genius of … Cher, then your prayers have been answered. Or, maybe, you’ve been waiting patiently for Christina Aguilera and her big dramatic voice to make a big screen debut, your guardian angel has a surprise! Burlesque, a small town girl (Aguilera) comes to Los Angeles and dreams of making it big in a burlesque club. Since we’re all hankering for flashy costumes, audacious set designs and over-the-top singing, this is what me and my girls will be seeing Thursday night.




Love and Other Drugs
If you are yearning for a side of romance to go with your yams, then may I suggest Love and Other Drugs. Jake Gyllenhaal plays a pharmaceutical rep and unrepentant playboy who unexpectantly meets his match in the bubbly Anne Hathaway.





Tangled
If you’re hitting the Cineplex with the kiddie table set, Tangled might be more to your liking. It’s a retelling of Rapuntzel’s tale, the girl with all that hair and of course, her prince charming.



Faster
If you wait until the football games are over, your guy will probably go for the testosterone fest that is Faster. The Rock, fast cars, lots of ass-kicking, need I say more?




The Nutcracker
The classic ballet is being brought to life in 3-D no less. Starring Elle Fanning, John Turturro and Nathan Lane, rest assured, it won’t be just dancing.

Fall Flicks I Want to See!

The good thing about having your own movie review blog is that you don’t have to review anything you don’t want to review. Earlier today, Entertainment Weekly published a list of 25 movies they are looking forward to. I was able to whittle that list to down around 10.

The Town
Starring Ben Affleck, Jeremy Renner, Rebecca Hall, Jon Hamm
September 17
A charming Boston-area troublemaker has to choose between a dead-end life with guys from his hood and a brighter future with his polished new girlfriend. It's just like Good Will Hunting — except that Ben Affleck's troublemaker, Doug, isn't a math whiz but a masked bank robber, and his love interest isn't a Harvard coed but the victimized bank manager (Rebecca Hall) who might be able to identify him and his crew to a federal agent (Jon Hamm).
Why I Want to See It: The buzz on this is great and all signs point to Ben Affleck emerging as a pretty good director. I liked what he did with Gone Baby Gone and I’m curious to see what he does with this.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Michael Douglas, Carey Mulligan, Josh Brolin
September 24
The sequel to Oliver Stone's Oscar-winning 1987 hit Wall Street begins in 2001, when Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) is released from federal prison with a business suit, an antiquated cell phone, and not a soul to greet him. Gekko is now a financial writer, on a press tour to promote his first tome, Is Greed Good?, and trying in vain to build a friendly relationship with his daughter (Carey Mulligan). She, in turn, is dating a whippersnapper trader (Shia LaBeouf) struggling to survive in a sinking economy.
Why I Want to See It: I’ve never fully appreciated the allure of Shia LeBeouf. However, I was a fan of the original and I’m curious to see how a sequel done 20 years after the original fares.

Buried
Starring: Ryan Reynolds
September 24
Ryan Reynolds plays a U.S. truck driver in Iraq who finds himself trapped inside a coffin with only a cell phone and a lighter. He was wary at first about a movie shot entirely in one sporadically lit box. ''We're in a coffin, for God's sake — 
for an entire film!'' he says with a laugh. But an impassioned 15-page letter from up-and-coming director Rodrigo Cortés changed his mind.
Why I Want to See It: Ryan Reynolds is definitely a cutie pie, but after a career of silly comedies (Van Wilder) and romantic comedies (The Proposal), the question remains, can he act? Well, he gets the chance to show his chops in a movie that is pretty much him trapped in a coffin for 90+ minutes.

Red
Starring: Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren
October 15
In RED (which stands for "Retired and Extremely Dangerous"), Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, and Brian Cox play a team of retired covert agents who reassemble after the CIA tries to kill their leader, Frank Moses (Bruce Willis).
Why I Want to See It: Old (or at least older) people kickin’ ass with guns! Need I say more?

Due Date
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Zach Galifianakis, Michelle Monaghan 

November 15
Robert Downey Jr. plays Peter, a tightly wound businessman forced by bizarre circumstances to drive from Atlanta to L.A. with an eccentric and hugely irritating wannabe actor named Ethan (Zach Galifianakis).
Why I Want to See It: Downey + Galifianakis = Hilarious … or at least it better be!

Morning Glory
Starring: Rachel McAdams, Harrison Ford, Diane Keaton
November 12
Rachel McAdams plays an up-and-coming producer charged with pulling the pathetic morning program Daybreak out of its last-place ratings rut.
 To do so, she persuades a respected former evening newsman (Harrison Ford) to assume the anchor chair beside the show's established lightweight host (Diane Keaton).

Why I Want to See It: I like seeing Harrison Ford doing lighter fare. He’s got great timing and he’s getting to old for the whole action-adventure thing (unless of course he’s kickin’ ass in Reds!)

Unstoppable
Starring: Denzel Washington, Chris Pine, Rosario Dawson
November 12
Unstoppable is a race-against-time thriller about a runaway train loaded with toxic chemicals barreling toward a town. Out to stop this poisonous payload are a soon-to-be-laid-off engineer (Denzel Washington) and Captain Kirk himself, Chris Pine, as a young whippersnapper learning the rails.
Why I Want to See It: Denzel Washington and director Tony Scott are a pretty cool pair. Together they’ve done Man on Fire, Crimson Tide, Déjà vu and The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3. While the premise does remind me of Pelham, I’m willing to give it a shot.

Burlesque
Starring: Cher, Christina Aguilera, Kristen Bell, Stanley Tucci, Alan Cumming 

November 24
Cher stars as Tess, a club owner coping with volatile leading lady Nikki (Kristen Bell) while mentoring newcomer Ali (Christina Aguilera, making her film debut) in this sequin-studded musical.
Why I Want to See It: C’mon, when is the last time you saw Cher in a movie?

Little Fockers
Starring: Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Owen Wilson, Barbra Streisand, Jessica Alba 

December 22
The latest Fockers installment again centers on a Focker family gathering: a birthday party for the 5-year-old twins of Greg (Ben Stiller) and his wife, Pam (Teri Polo). Greg is struggling with parenthood, while Robert De Niro's retired CIA agent wrestles with his own late-life crisis.
Why I Want to See It: Honestly, I really don’t know. Maybe because I saw the other two?

Gulliver's Travels
Starring: Jack Black, Jason Segel
December 22
This 3-D update of Jonathan Swift's classic novel stars Jack Black as a modern-day newspaper mailroom clerk who is assigned to write a travel piece on the Bermuda Triangle and winds up in the tiny-people land of Lilliput. ''He realizes he can reinvent himself — not only as a giant but also as a big shot,'' says Black. ''He can say that he wrote all these Beatles songs, and everyone believes him.''
Why I Want to See It: Because it was one of my favorite books as a teenager and I’m curious to see this ‘modern day’ take on such a beloved classic.

True Grit
Starring: Matt Damon, Jeff Bridges, Josh Brolin, Barry Pepper, Hailee Steinfeld
December 25
This brand-new adaptation of Charles Portis' great 1968 novel focuses on a drunken U.S. marshal named Reuben J. ''Rooster'' Cogburn (Jeff Bridges) who gets hired by a 14-year-old girl (relative newcomer Hailee Steinfeld) to find the man who shot and killed her father.
Why I Want to See It: What can I say, I am a Daddy’s girl, and Daddy raised me on westerns. I love a good one!

Summer Sizzles or Fizzles?

Entertainment Weekly just put up a list of 14 summer movies they can’t wait to see. Well, I’ve taken that list and whittled it down to six. Yes, less than half of EW’s 14. I think it’s safe to say that I’m not impressed with this summer’s offerings.

Inception (July 16): With Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight) directing and some of the visuals I've seen in the trailer, I have to say, I’m intrigued. However, I wanted to slap the taste out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s mouth for making me sit through the dreck that was Shutter Island. Thomas has seen it and he's described it as “confusing but really good,” and that sort of restored my faith in this ‘thriller’ – if it doesn’t deliver, I might have to slap Thomas (just joking ... not really).

Salt (July 23): Angelina Jolie as a spy who is accused of working for the Russians just looks good. It looks like it’s going to be a smart action-thriller and I’m all about smart action thrillers.

Dinner for Shmucks (July 23) : I’m also about silly comedies that make me laugh out loud. Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, and Zach Galifianakis could be on to something here. Of course, with a cast like that I expect to laugh loud and often anything else would be a disappointment.

The Other Guys (August 6): Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg play the second-string cop couple to a pair of hot shots played by Samuel L. Jackson and Dewayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (August 13): As an Arrested Development fan, Michael Cera will always have a place in my heart. Watching him battle his new girlfriend’s seven evil exes should be fun (at least I hope).

The Expendables (August 13): Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Li, a dream team of action stars get together for what you know has to be ‘one last score’ as a team of mercenaries out to overthrow a Latin American government … not just a bad guy but an entire government!

Not on my list...

Eat, Pray Love ... Wasn't interested in reading the book, not interested in seeing the movie.

The Switch ... A rom-com with another Arrested Development alum, Jason Bateman, so I should give it some love, right? Nope, it's also stars Jennifer Aniston and I'm still mad at her for making me sit through The Bounty Hunter.

Piranha 3-D: Really?

Going the Distance: A rom-com with drew Barrymore and her real-life boyfriend Justin "Kiss of Death" Long (who kills just about every movie he's in).