Monday, April 30, 2012

Celebrity Apprentice Jingles All the Way

Don't let the eyeliner fool you. Clay
Aiken is a 'grown ass man'!

Last night’s Celebrity Apprentice left me occasionally aghast but mainly howling with laughter. We were down to the final six and boy did they bring their A- game last night. Highlights for me.

Arsenio Hall
  • He refused to ‘tap dance’ on the grounds that he’s a black man and it’s a racist stereotype. Okay, but black men in drag is a new stereotype so quit it with the lipstick already. Okay?
  • He attempted to rap (bad idea). He didn’t memorize his lyrics but read them on stage from his phone (even worse idea… yet somehow his team won).

Aubrey O’Day:
  • Did she try and out Arsenio??? It sure sounded like it when he initially shot down her cheerleading idea. She said something to the effect of, “Arsenio is the biggest girl on this show, so I don’t know why he doesn’t like tap dancing or wearing cheerleading outfits. We all know he does it at home.” O.M.G. – Oh, no she didn’t!
  • I was texting my friend L Boogie throughout the show. She pointed out the irony of Aubrey representing a charity that rallies against the bullying of gay and lesbian kids when it sounded a lot like she was bullying Arsenio regarding his sexuality.
  • Of course, one charity she will never represent is one for the elderly or the middle-aged, or hell for anyone over 30, for that matter. She slammed Arsenio for being old and senile. In fact, I think at some point, she’s slammed everyone for being old. Of course, aging will never happen to her. After all, she is Aubrey O’Day who has two platinum albums, a Playboy cover and can write a song with absolutely no effort!

Dayana Mendoza
  • Where to begin? Let’s start at the beginning. The project involved writing a 90-second commercial jingle. She thought ‘jingle’ meant Christmas music … you know as in Jingle Bells or maybe even Jingle Bell Rock (okay, I doubt she knows that second one). Since she was the project manager, you kind of knew right off the bat; this was not going to go well.
  • She didn’t understand that they were going with a jingle with music from the early Sixties. So her suggestion to put some Eighties into the mix made no sense and as much as I love Duran Duran, her suggestion to use their music was just bizarre.
  • Her suggestion to have a hippie randomly appear in the presentation was also shot down. Apparently, that’s all she knows of the Sixties. Did I mention she was the project manager?
  • Then, she couldn’t manage a project about singing and writing lyrics with a singer and comedy writer on hand, so basically she stood around offering bad ideas and trying to tell people who did this for a living how to do what they already know how to do.
  • When they started recording, she started calling out colors. Why? It’s music. You hear it, you don’t see it, Fool! Sure, you could bring up the ‘blues’ or go with a little goth and do something ‘dark or black”. Yes, there is a singer named Pink but that wasn’t what she was talking about. This chick was suggesting colors that had absolutely nothing to do with musical interpretation. Let’s make it a little pink or add some yellow. Huh?

Lisa ‘WaterWorks’ Lampanelli
  • Let me be clear, Lisa and Clay carried this task. They lost to Aubrey and the Cheerleaders but if it wasn’t for Lisa and Clay, their jingle would have been a hippie singing a pinkish/yellowy cover of a Duran Duran Christmas sounding tune.
  • I like Lisa but if you want to be the tough chick in the boardroom it helps if the 100-pound beauty queen doesn’t reduce you to a pile of tears and emotion in front of Donald Jr. Bitch up, woman!
  • In the boardroom Lampanelli came out swinging. She called Dayana the female Lou Ferrigno (Yikes!) among other things.

Clay Aiken
  • Even he lost his patience with Dayana, comparing working with her to working with the special needs kids he used to teach. He said, “Dayana is the most frustrating person I have ever met in my life. I spent years teaching kids with disabilities and never have I had to draw on that type of patience since I’ve been in a classroom more than I did this task.”
  • He had the line of the night for me when his frustration hit its boiling point. Dayana “I know music and staging” Mendoza tried to ‘direct’ Clay and he replied “I’m a grown ass man.” I actually got out my remote and played that one back several times. Hysterical.

Teresa Guidice
  • Nothing. She offered no memorable moments whatsoever. I predict she’s gone next week (when we have a double elimination).

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