Monday, May 9, 2011

Celebrity Apprentice: Now That's Some Soggy Meat Loaf!

Man up damn it! My neutered dog
has more cajones!
Three hours of Celebrity Apprentice. Three frickin' hours! Three emotional hours filled with meltdowns and verbal melees. Three ridiculous hours and two tasks: busy, busy, busy!

It all started with some switching of teams. Since Star and Nene simply were not going to get along (when Nene started piping up, I thought we were going to have a repeat of last week’s drama). Meat Loaf moved over to ASAP with Star and Marlee Matlin. Nene went over to Backbone with John Rich, La Toya Jackson and Lil Jon.

The first task was the third fundraising task with both groups asked to put together a comedy show featuring three comedians . They’d have 50 tickets each to raise money. La Toya and Marlee stepped up as project managers.

Nene was beside herself. She felt like Trump was kowtowing to Star by putting them on different teams and, she said, she needed a moment … a really long moment. So she left. She just up and left. She didn’t call her new teammates. She didn’t let them know anything; she just left. So they got busy, calling their tapped out contacts. For a Jackson, La Toya was unimpressive. She couldn’t even get more than a $1,000 from the Hiltons! John Rich pulled in his good friend Jimmy Fallon to perform and he gave a $10,000 donation.

Team ASAP was excited about getting Tracy Morgan to provide a video clip. It turned out to be the lamest, unfunniest video I’ve seen in a long time (and I routinely watch Saturday Night Live so that’s saying something). But the task was about making money which is where Meat Loaf melted down.

If it wasn’t bad enough that he had to pick up a phone and grovel for money, it suddenly occurred to him that if his team lost, he’d end up having to give the money he had raised for his Painted Turtle charity to Marlee’s charity. I swear they must have lost half a day as he boo-hoo’ed about how he didn’t want to gamble away that money. Well, the best way to ensure that didn’t happen was to win which is exactly what Trump told him when he called and asked if he could keep the money regardless of the outcome.

Both shows went well but Jimmy Fallon and his original song Yer Fired, I think, put the guys (and La Toya) over the top. But wait! This is a fundraising challenge and the only really important thing is which team made the most money.

In the boardroom, there were more water works from Meat Loaf. He thought he was going to lose the task and therefore the money for the Turtle kids. In an effort that was just as much about making the tears stop as it was being generous, John Rich offered to match the money Meat Load had raised if ASAP lost. … but they didn’t.

Despite winning and saving the Turtle kids' donations, there were even more water works from Meat Loaf who explained bleary-eyed that Trump and Celebrity Apprentice made him want to be a better man. Nobler words have never been spoken on this show (or probably to Donald Trump). Speaking of ignoble words, Trump had a few for Nene. He called her a quitter and a loser and said Star “kicked your ass.”

After this first task, it came down to La Toya, Jon Rich and Lil Jon. Someone was going home. And just as soon as she came back, La Toya Jackson was out ... again. As she walked to the limo, the sidewalk lit up beneath her, a la Billie Jean. It was a nice touch.

Remember, though, this is the super-sized Celebrity Apprentice so it wasn’t over yet! There was a second task, this one for OnStar to let people know that you can buy an OnStar for your car (even if it isn’t brand spanking new), at Best Buy no less! The teams were tasked with developing a commercial.

This is getting long so I’ll be brief. Meat didn’t cry. Instead he took the lead on the creative. He played a cop obsessed with donuts who helped a hapless Marlee Matlin find her car, while Star provided the voice for OnStar. At the end, all three (Meat, Marlee and Star) sat in a donut shop while a random guy on a skateboard flew by with an OnStar box.

The guys had a simple idea with a few special effects. Lil Jon and two actresses (a housewife and a college student) stood in front of a white backdrop and talked about how having OnStar for their older cars was a life saver.

The executives cringed when ASAP’s commercial made fun of cops. They also cringed when Backbone’s housewife was shown ‘driving’ with no seatbelt!

Anyway, the guys won – meaning the Johns (Rich and Lil) are in the Final Four. In the boardroom, we had one more big blow-out: Meat vs. Star. Meat was all about improv and going without a script. Star wanted a script but wouldn’t push it. Trump sent the three of them out of the boardroom momentarily and that’s when things got ugly.

Star explained that since Meat wasn’t a lawyer, he was not qualified to argue with her. Then she got really upset when he referred to her as ‘Sweetie’. Star started seeing red. Things did not get better in the boardroom where they continued to go after one another. In fact they went all the way to the end until Trump fired Star! I was shocked. I had her pegged for the top two.

her. I’m sure however many people at home lit up at the prospect of a Star-less final four.

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