Monday, March 7, 2011

The Guiltiest of Pleasures: Celebrity Apprentice

Not only would I not buy pizza from this Pepperoni Profit,
but he'd probably scare me off of pizza for ever!
It was about 45 minutes into Celebrity Apprentice — after Richard Hatch (first Surivivor winner and former federal prison inmate) started acting like the super Bitch he apparently is and when crazed actor Gary Busey dubbed himself the Pepperoni Profit — that I knew this season of Celebrity Apprentice would be a train wreck of epic proportions.

I mean how can’t it be? The men have Meatloaf, Busey, Jose Conseco, Lil John, plus Hatch, Mark McGrath and David Cassidy. They also have the obligatory country singer, John Rich. Based on his singing and guitar strumming on the streets of New York City, I think his big song is Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. The women are knee-deep in bitchiness with Nene Leakes (The Real Housewives of Atlanta), Starr Jones, LaToya Jackson, and Lisa Rinna plus Dionne Warwick, Nikki Taylor and Marlee Matlin (the last three I suspect are a lot bitchier than one would initially expect).

Before they could get to the main task, The Donald tasked them with coming up with a team name and selecting a project manager. Starr, who everyone agreed should be the first PM came up with the name ASAP. No, it didn’t stand for As Soon As Possible; it stood for Actors, Singers, Authors and Performers with a Purpose. Or was it Artists, Singers, Actors and Professionals. It could have been Arrogant, Self-centered, Assholes and Primadonnas. I don’t know … and neither did LaToya Jackson when Donald asked her to explain the name. She just couldn’t get it right even though Starr was there coaching her.

I forget who came up with it, but the men chose Backbone as their name … because they were strong and felt they had a lot of, well, backbone. They wisely shot down Gary Busey’s suggestion of Sperm Farmers. They chose Richard Hatch as their premier PM based on his success as the first Survivor. I think they figured he’d have a good head for reality show strategy.

The task was to raise money by running a pizzeria. So after choosing their locations, they were off to their perspective pizza paradises. It wasn’t all about sales; they had to learn the entire process. They’d be running the whole show from the register to the kitchen to the promotions.

It was Backbone’s promotions that gave birth to the Pepperoni Profit (get it profit because he’s there to make money and not prophet as in a religious guy). Rich and Lil Jon were coming up with how they'd promote the pizza and they asked Busey what he’d do. After a long pause, he goes into this fundamentalist pastor shtick sermonizing about pizza and the afterlife. Okay????

While those of us in the audience were scratching our heads over the Pepperoni Profit, Dionne Warwick was scratching her head over the credit card machine that she just could not figure out. I would imagine that after the first few orders, the sequence of steps needed to process an order would get easier but not for Whitney Houston’s godmother. The line snaked outside of the pizzeria while she hopelessly and helplessly tried to get a grip on the complex credit card machine. Starr jumped in and tried to help but Warwick told her with a confidence that completely masked her cluelessness that she knew what she was doing.

Of course, with the Celebrity Apprentice it’s just as much about getting friends with deep pockets to donate than it is completing the tasks and it seemed like both groups were getting some heavy hitters. A friend of Starr’s ordered 40 pizzas at $1,000 a pop. Since they had to actually make and deliver the pizzas, Starr made the executive decision to close two hours early so they could make the delivery.

However, before they closed, they were paid a visit by Curtis Stone, the yummy Aussie chef and former Celebrity Apprentice candidate. He stopped by both shops to sample the pizzas. The team with the best pizzas would take eight pies over to a firehouse where hungry firemen waited. What they didn’t know was that they’d get an extra $35,000 for the effort. Well, the girls won the taste test and while they managed to make their 40K delivery, they missed out on the firehouse.

However, over at team Backbone, all was not rosy as Richard Hatch barked orders and pretty much pissed everyone off … especially former teen idol David Cassidy. Apparently David Cassidy isn’t a very big guy and Richard Hatch (who is kind of big and husky), at several points, summarily pushed David aside while he was talking. David didn’t really like that and tried to say so. Still Hatch pretty much dismissed him again.

So it was off to the boardroom where Trump asked Starr about their team. She said that they wanted to show the world that women could work together. Of course, Lisa Rinna chimed in that they could have worked better together and the two went at it, which sort of disproved Starr’s statement.

It was also in the boardroom whereASAP realized what they had missed out on at the firehouse, but they still managed to win earning $115,268 to Backbone’s $54,104.

As the winners, all of the women lived to see another week (and from the previews a lot more drama) and it was one of the boys who would be fired.

From that point on it was pretty much the Dick and David show … Dick as in short for Richard and Dick as in that’s what the rest of team Backbone thought about Richard. David mentioned the dismissive treatment he received from Richard. Richard (acting like a Dick) called David ‘a little person’ (which everyone knows is the PC name for midgets). Instead of standing tall for himself, David deferred to big guy Jose Conseco to stick up for him.

Looking a little bit whiny and weak, David was the first man fired, leaving Hatch to survive another week.

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